I Think the Worst is Over

Note: This is the post where I go into detail about the miscarriage, so if you'd rather not read the gory details, stop now. You've been warned.

It happened Thursday night, quite unexpectedly. A few hours of rising and falling cramps that had me couched, followed by a gush the moment I stood up.

Um, yuck...

Now I know of another reason why God invented periods: so women are a little less likely to FREAK OUT when things like this happen. Let's just say any romantic ideas about a homebirth are now completely gone, because cleaning up after a mess like this?

Um, yuck...
(Thanks for your help, Mom.)

I spent the next hour or two waiting for it all to come out, but that got kind of boring ("Hmm, any new magazines in here?"), so I eventually crawled out and played with Jacob on the floor, too scared to stand up again.

After Ryan put Jacob to bed, my cramps intensified. I remember at one point - while curled up on the floor, shivering under a blanket with my teeth chattering - telling Ryan to stop asking me questions because I didn't want to talk anymore. I forced myself to relax and breath normally (yay, Bradly training!), and felt a little better.

Anybody else connecting the dots?

- Cramps rising and falling
- My whole body cold and shaking
- Not wanting to talk, but wanting to focus on relaxing

If I didn't know better, I'd think I was in labor. This, I did not expect.

I eventually decided to go upstairs and take a hot shower, which I knew would make me feel better (another nod to Bradley training). Halfway through, just while I was thinking about how great I was feeling, with no warning, it came out.

I'm still not 100% sure what IT was, but I have two guesses: the placenta, or the empty sack. I'm leaning towards the latter. It was about the size of a large smooshed peach - more oval than round, with something of a point on one of the long ends. I had half a brain to pick it up and examine it, but strangely could not make myself do it.

I loved watching the mole removal on my arm in 7th grade. Needles and lasers don't make me flinch. I was so glad I got to watch Jacob's circumcision because I've always wondered how on earth they do that.

But this? It was just too much. Ryan disposed of it, and when my shower was over, so were the cramps and the majority of the bleeding. It's still not 100% over - more like a period on a light day - and that was three days ago. I did not expect it all to happen so quickly, because last time, it was so different.

Last time, the whole process took about two weeks, and there was no moment of, "Aha! There it is. The end is near." I just woke up one morning, and my cramps were gone, and my bleeding had lightened, and I realized,, "Huh, I guess it happened last night with all that pain and heavy clotting, and I didn't even know it."

And I felt my loss anew, because I had missed it.

There are two reasons I think this may have been a little different: 1.) I was about three weeks farther along this time, and 2.) My body has given birth twice since then. It knows how to grow a baby and how to deliver a baby. It knows how to dilate to pass the baby - and perhaps I had dilated this time, as well. Looking back at the labor signs, that does not sound unreasonable, and it would certainly explain why something so large could just fall out on its own without me feeling it or having to push it out.

My follow-up appointment is on Tuesday, in two days, so maybe I'll get some answers then. I'm curious to see how different this ultrasound will be, two weeks later. I hope we will get a conclusive, "Everything is done - you're good to carry on," so I don't have to go back or wait for anything else.

I'm glad I'm feeling so good, and I'm glad I'm able to carry Jacob around in the Ergo again. Carrying him close does not make up for what we've lost, but it's certainly comforting having my baby right there against me.