Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Pregnant Brain Dump

Note: This post was written on May 14, and not published until now.

I took two tests, two days in a row, just to be sure. You've already seen Jacob modeling the first test. Here's the second, taken yesterday:

I'm a big fan of the obvious "Pregnant" vs "Not Pregnant" readout. That's the only specification I gave to Ryan when I sent him out for the second test.

After I reached 35 days since my last cycle started (I got one period in April after I cut way back on nursing Jacob), I started to get a little antsy. I tried to ignore it until 40 days, but I broke down and took the test the morning of the 38th day. My heart started beating faster and faster as I watched that little plus sign materialize.

"Are you kidding me?"

I checked the packaging again to make sure I was reading it right. I wished it was a digital readout with real words because oh my gosh I can't focus what in the world does that little plus sign mean I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

I get a little shaky all over again just mentally going back to that moment. I guess my first emotion was shock. Then overwhelmedness (I am entitled to make up words right now). Then shock again. I must have stood completely still, staring at the test with eyes wide, for two whole minutes while my overloaded brain tried to process what it meant.

So different than my last two positive tests, with Lily and Jacob, where excitement was mixed in there somewhere with the shock and disbelief.

I e-mailed Ryan the picture of Jacob holding the test. I called him to make sure he got it. I waited silently as he opened his e-mail. He asked me quietly, "Are you pregnant again?"

Hearing the "P" word come out of his mouth confirmed it in my head. "Yeah..."

I don't remember what Ryan said after that. I remember asking him if he was excited. "Yeah!" he enthused.

In a quiet voice, I asked him, "Is it wrong that I'm not?"

You may remember me mentioning how dangerous it was for me to go to the hospital to visit little Kimberlee when she was born. I was definitely wanting a new little tiny baby of my own. I had felt that way for quite some time, ever since I realized how quickly Jacob was growing up, becoming less baby-like, and how much I wanted him to slow down.

But then within the last month, something in me changed that I didn't expect or even realize. I became happy with my kids getting bigger. Happy with their mobility. Happy with the full night's sleep I was getting regularly. Happy with the independence I gained when Jacob only nursed a couple times a day.

In hindsight, it's so strange that my feelings towards having a tiny, new baby changed only AFTER I was pregnant. Are my hormones playing tricks on me already?

I spent the whole first day mentally consumed with the news. (Heck, I'm STILL consumed with the news. Who are we kidding?) It's funny how your train of thought is so much different after already having a couple kids. I did not think about pregnancy. I did not think about labor and delivery and the unknown. I thought about logistics. Where is this kid going to sleep? What else will we need to buy? Where will he or she fit in the car? At the dinner table? How will I manage to go anywhere with the three of them by myself?

Will I ever get out of the house again??

(hyperventilating ensues...)

When Ryan came home that night and we were finally able to talk about the news face to face, we giggled like little kids. His happiness was contagious - and exactly what I needed.

My nervous, logistical reasoning faded and gave way to the excitement I had been awaiting. We're having a baby! A little tiny cuddly squishy pudgy cooing baby.

Sure, I may not get much sleep this coming winter. And sure, I'm not looking forward to all the, "You're pregnant again - ALREADY?!" responses I know we're going to get (that was one of my first thoughts, too!), but I am so excited, I'm having trouble containing myself every time I talk to someone. This is going to be a hard secret to keep for a few weeks, because the news just wants to come bubbling out.

I am totally going to tell the checkout lady at the grocery store.


Jen Hixson said...

Love and hugs, sister.