Babysitting

All week, I have been getting more and more nervous about my two days of toddler watching for my friend's son today and tomorrow. And no, I did not admit this to her ;)

It's not that he's a bad kid or that he doesn't get along well with Lily or Jacob - on the contrary, he's one of the nicest, most laid-back almost-two-year-olds you'd want to meet or spend time watching. I'm guessing it was a fear of the unknown.

As in, what are we going to DO all day? Sometimes, I have trouble making the time pass and keeping occupied my own two kids. How am I going to do it with THREE? Will we be stuck in the house? Will we be able to anywhere and do anything?

I know this sounds a little funny, because just a few weeks ago, we were expecting a 3rd child of our own. And yes, when I first found out I was pregnant, I had a good day or two of freaking out about the logistics of that one, too. But that quickly passed and became our new, very do-able reality. Then when we realized that wasn't going to happen, it was so hard losing our third child and and switching our heads back to a two-child reality.

Maybe it's different when the proposed extra kid is your own. You know them inside and out. You know what to expect, how to get them to sleep, what they will and won't eat, how they will tolerate an unexpected Target shopping run.

But now that the little stinker is here, dancing to Sesame Street with Jacob, while Lily continues to sleep in late, the unkown is melting away. And I'm thinking, yes, for two days, I can do this. We'll be OK.

Except for that stink that just wafted by. Boys! Get yer butts over here!

Happy Belated Father's Day!

For Dad's Day, Ryan got a gas grill:



He finished assembling it at 10:30 p.m. Saturday evening, and immediately wanted to fire it up and grill something. Um, how about some cinnamon bread with butter?



Mmm...so grilled-tasting.

Ryan took this picture of his foot up to show how relaxed he was on his new deck on Father's Day:



I can't pinpoint what it is, but I see such a similarity between the two of them in this beautiful picture:



Goofballs:





More goofballs:



Ryan, I couldn't have asked for a better friend or partner to spend my life with. Thank you for pursuing me and being a Godly husband and father.

To all the other dads, happy (belated) Father's Day, from our family to yours!

Wordless Wednesday

Crazy Driver

I can just see them out joyriding as teenagers.



Only hopefully not in a police car.

Un-Pregnant

It's amazing how quickly my pregnancy symptoms vanished.

What's this strange sleeping through the night stuff? Not getting up to pee? Not feeling famished every hour on the hour? Not dead tired at the stroke of 9:00 p.m.? Having actual energy to play with and have patience with my kids?

For this, if nothing else, I am grateful. ;)

I Think the Worst is Over

Note: This is the post where I go into detail about the miscarriage, so if you'd rather not read the gory details, stop now. You've been warned.

It happened Thursday night, quite unexpectedly. A few hours of rising and falling cramps that had me couched, followed by a gush the moment I stood up.

Um, yuck...

Now I know of another reason why God invented periods: so women are a little less likely to FREAK OUT when things like this happen. Let's just say any romantic ideas about a homebirth are now completely gone, because cleaning up after a mess like this?

Um, yuck...
(Thanks for your help, Mom.)

I spent the next hour or two waiting for it all to come out, but that got kind of boring ("Hmm, any new magazines in here?"), so I eventually crawled out and played with Jacob on the floor, too scared to stand up again.

After Ryan put Jacob to bed, my cramps intensified. I remember at one point - while curled up on the floor, shivering under a blanket with my teeth chattering - telling Ryan to stop asking me questions because I didn't want to talk anymore. I forced myself to relax and breath normally (yay, Bradly training!), and felt a little better.

Anybody else connecting the dots?

- Cramps rising and falling
- My whole body cold and shaking
- Not wanting to talk, but wanting to focus on relaxing

If I didn't know better, I'd think I was in labor. This, I did not expect.

I eventually decided to go upstairs and take a hot shower, which I knew would make me feel better (another nod to Bradley training). Halfway through, just while I was thinking about how great I was feeling, with no warning, it came out.

I'm still not 100% sure what IT was, but I have two guesses: the placenta, or the empty sack. I'm leaning towards the latter. It was about the size of a large smooshed peach - more oval than round, with something of a point on one of the long ends. I had half a brain to pick it up and examine it, but strangely could not make myself do it.

I loved watching the mole removal on my arm in 7th grade. Needles and lasers don't make me flinch. I was so glad I got to watch Jacob's circumcision because I've always wondered how on earth they do that.

But this? It was just too much. Ryan disposed of it, and when my shower was over, so were the cramps and the majority of the bleeding. It's still not 100% over - more like a period on a light day - and that was three days ago. I did not expect it all to happen so quickly, because last time, it was so different.

Last time, the whole process took about two weeks, and there was no moment of, "Aha! There it is. The end is near." I just woke up one morning, and my cramps were gone, and my bleeding had lightened, and I realized,, "Huh, I guess it happened last night with all that pain and heavy clotting, and I didn't even know it."

And I felt my loss anew, because I had missed it.

There are two reasons I think this may have been a little different: 1.) I was about three weeks farther along this time, and 2.) My body has given birth twice since then. It knows how to grow a baby and how to deliver a baby. It knows how to dilate to pass the baby - and perhaps I had dilated this time, as well. Looking back at the labor signs, that does not sound unreasonable, and it would certainly explain why something so large could just fall out on its own without me feeling it or having to push it out.

My follow-up appointment is on Tuesday, in two days, so maybe I'll get some answers then. I'm curious to see how different this ultrasound will be, two weeks later. I hope we will get a conclusive, "Everything is done - you're good to carry on," so I don't have to go back or wait for anything else.

I'm glad I'm feeling so good, and I'm glad I'm able to carry Jacob around in the Ergo again. Carrying him close does not make up for what we've lost, but it's certainly comforting having my baby right there against me.

The Coolest Sky

These cameraphone pictures do not do it justice.

How I'm Feeling - 7 Weeks

Note: This post was written on May 24, and not published until now.

I can't believe I'm writing one of these "How I'm Feeling" posts again! Oh my gosh, wasn't I just pregnant??

So once again, I have no real morning sickness and pray it remains that way. The only times my stomach feels a little funny is if I go too long between meals. I have to eat very regularly, or else what I assume is just a hint of morning sickness sneaks up on me, and then I don't WANT to eat b/c my stomach is turning, but I know I have to eat to make myself feel better. What a strange logic - eat because you feel like you're going to throw up! This happened yesterday before lunchtime and again just before bed. I guess with the chaos of getting ready for Jacob's birthday party, and then recovering from it afterwards, I had forgotten to eat for quite a while each time and started feeling it.

The only other pregnancy-related symptom I guess I have is an early morning lack of sleep. For the past week or so, I have been waking up extra early to go to the little girl's room, but then when I get back to bed, I am overly hot and completely unable to go back to sleep. I just lay there, for an hour or two, wishing I could go back to sleep. When have I EVER not been able to sleep?

Oh yeah, the last two times I was pregnant ;)

Otherwise, I'm feeling great. No real concerns or problems to post about. I'm looking forward to my first check-up in two weeks, to seeing the baby's heartbeat on the monitor, and to getting the first glimpse of our new little peanut in my belly.

Shashes

Sweet shashes.



Supermodel shashes.



Mama's shashes.

The Big Sister

Note: This post was written on May 24, and not published until now.

I was hesitant to tell Lily that she's going to be a big sister again, because I was afraid she'd blurt out the news before we ready to go public. But yesterday, we were sitting together on the floor having a nice quiet moment together. She started to get antsy and tried to use my belly as leverage to help her get up.

I couldn't resist. I told her she couldn't jam her hand or foot or elbow or whatever it was into my belly because there was a baby in there, and she had to be sure she didn't hurt the baby. She gave me a funny look. Like, "Well, that doesn't make much sense."

Next thing I know, she's lifting up my shirt. "See baby?"

I couldn't help laughing. I told her she would have to wait a long time to see the baby. That Mama's belly would have to get a lot bigger before the baby would come out to play. She was well under a year old the last time I got pregnant. This time, it will be so much more exciting for her.

Right now, she's sitting on my lap at the computer desk as I type. A moment ago, she readjusted herself and I sighed under this new weight distribution.

She turned around and looked at me. She pointed at my belly. "Baby in there?"

I couldn't believe she remembered! Our conversation had been so brief. She lifted up my belly to inspect it again. I think it won't be long before we're outed by our 2-year-old!

Oops

The Pregnant Brain Dump

Note: This post was written on May 14, and not published until now.

I took two tests, two days in a row, just to be sure. You've already seen Jacob modeling the first test. Here's the second, taken yesterday:



I'm a big fan of the obvious "Pregnant" vs "Not Pregnant" readout. That's the only specification I gave to Ryan when I sent him out for the second test.

After I reached 35 days since my last cycle started (I got one period in April after I cut way back on nursing Jacob), I started to get a little antsy. I tried to ignore it until 40 days, but I broke down and took the test the morning of the 38th day. My heart started beating faster and faster as I watched that little plus sign materialize.

"Are you kidding me?"

I checked the packaging again to make sure I was reading it right. I wished it was a digital readout with real words because oh my gosh I can't focus what in the world does that little plus sign mean I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

I get a little shaky all over again just mentally going back to that moment. I guess my first emotion was shock. Then overwhelmedness (I am entitled to make up words right now). Then shock again. I must have stood completely still, staring at the test with eyes wide, for two whole minutes while my overloaded brain tried to process what it meant.

So different than my last two positive tests, with Lily and Jacob, where excitement was mixed in there somewhere with the shock and disbelief.

I e-mailed Ryan the picture of Jacob holding the test. I called him to make sure he got it. I waited silently as he opened his e-mail. He asked me quietly, "Are you pregnant again?"

Hearing the "P" word come out of his mouth confirmed it in my head. "Yeah..."

I don't remember what Ryan said after that. I remember asking him if he was excited. "Yeah!" he enthused.

In a quiet voice, I asked him, "Is it wrong that I'm not?"

You may remember me mentioning how dangerous it was for me to go to the hospital to visit little Kimberlee when she was born. I was definitely wanting a new little tiny baby of my own. I had felt that way for quite some time, ever since I realized how quickly Jacob was growing up, becoming less baby-like, and how much I wanted him to slow down.

But then within the last month, something in me changed that I didn't expect or even realize. I became happy with my kids getting bigger. Happy with their mobility. Happy with the full night's sleep I was getting regularly. Happy with the independence I gained when Jacob only nursed a couple times a day.

In hindsight, it's so strange that my feelings towards having a tiny, new baby changed only AFTER I was pregnant. Are my hormones playing tricks on me already?

I spent the whole first day mentally consumed with the news. (Heck, I'm STILL consumed with the news. Who are we kidding?) It's funny how your train of thought is so much different after already having a couple kids. I did not think about pregnancy. I did not think about labor and delivery and the unknown. I thought about logistics. Where is this kid going to sleep? What else will we need to buy? Where will he or she fit in the car? At the dinner table? How will I manage to go anywhere with the three of them by myself?

Will I ever get out of the house again??

(hyperventilating ensues...)

When Ryan came home that night and we were finally able to talk about the news face to face, we giggled like little kids. His happiness was contagious - and exactly what I needed.



My nervous, logistical reasoning faded and gave way to the excitement I had been awaiting. We're having a baby! A little tiny cuddly squishy pudgy cooing baby.

Sure, I may not get much sleep this coming winter. And sure, I'm not looking forward to all the, "You're pregnant again - ALREADY?!" responses I know we're going to get (that was one of my first thoughts, too!), but I am so excited, I'm having trouble containing myself every time I talk to someone. This is going to be a hard secret to keep for a few weeks, because the news just wants to come bubbling out.

I am totally going to tell the checkout lady at the grocery store.

Here We Go Again

Note: This post was written on May 14, and not published until now.

When I was pregnant with Lily, I took a positive test at 40 days.

With Jacob, it was 39. (That's Lily, below.)



This time? 38.



Yes, that little plus sign means little Jacob is going to be a big brother!!

(Mom, please stop hyperventilating...)

Wordless Wednesday

You Know That Miscarriage We Were Expecting...?

It has begun.

My first reaction?

Relief.

No more waiting. No more belly expansion with no baby in it. Let's just get this over with and be done with it.

And let's just hope it doesn't take as long as last time. Because the cramping? And the bleeding? And the lower back pain? Not exactly how I'd choose to spend the next few weeks...you know, if it were up to me...which it's not.

I suppose my relief can also be attributed to not having to get the ball rolling artificially. I'm so glad things started on their own. But honestly, if it hadn't, I don't know how long I could have waited. There's nothing quite as cheerful as knowing you're walking around with death inside of you, and not knowing how long it will be there. I'm so glad that is a decision I did not have to make.

How I'm Feeling - Week 9

Note: This post was written last week. As of today, I am 10 1/2 weeks, and things are not nearly as gray.

A lot of people are asking how I'm feeling. I don't really know how to answer. My days seem to have a gray haze over them, like I'm living in a fog. It's vey surreal...knowing this awful thing is going to happen that has not yet happened. How do you describe to someone that you're waiting for tragedy?

But in general - besides how strange just WAITING for the miscarriage is - I feel much better than the first time this happened four years ago. (Was it really that long ago?) Maybe because I've been through this before, and know how it feels to come out the other side. Maybe because I have two beautiful children for whom I am already so thankful.

Oh my, Jacob. What is that smell coming from your diaper?

Maybe because I have so much less time to focus on myself...

The News

About a month ago, Ryan and I found out that we were going to have another baby.

Last week, we were unable to hear or see the baby's heartbeat at my 8 1/2 week OB appointment.

Today, at 9 1/2 weeks, an internal ultrasound confirmed that this pregnancy willl end in miscarriage. There is no baby in the malformed sack - just debris. The placenta has already begun separating from my uterine wall.

So now we wait...

Happy Birthday, Kirsten

This weekend, my niece Kirsten celebrated her 3rd birthday. For her present, I made her an apron, since she is a big fan of helping her mom cook/bake, and they got her a lovely kitchen set for Christmas.

Looks like it fits, with room to grow!



I knew that material was perfect for her the moment I saw it.



Of course it could not be from me without corduroy somewhere (the pocket). I really enjoyed adding the lace trim around the top and the blue ribbon ties across the waist. My biggest mistake was accidentally sewing the waist tie onto the underside of the pocket (oops - how did that ribbon get down there?).



A quick snip and that was fixed. Overall, I was pleasantly surprised with how this turned out, and foresee many apron adventures in my future ;)

(Her party had a Greek theme, and here's a shot of the cake I brought:



I'm looking forward to the comments to see who gets the joke first...hehe.)

Happy 7 Years, Babe